I am a planner to the max. From a very young age, I started planning my life. I had planned out college, my major, my career, when I would get married, when I would have children, where I would live, etc. Of course, my plans changed numerous times along the way, but I always felt security in having an idea of what was to come in my life.
There are a few specific times that I can remember realizing that my plans weren't working out, and that I had no idea what my new plan would be... from there anxiety and panic would ensue. The first instance that really stands out to me was when I was college. I was majoring in Athletic Training with a plan to go on to Physical Therapy school... following the plan I had set in place while in high school. Fairly early on in my freshman year, I started to realize that perhaps AT/PT was not for me. But I had no idea what I wanted to do! I continued on in my classes, all the while desperately searching for a new plan. Anxiety and panic attacks riddled me and would often leave me unable to go to class or participate in other activities I was involved in. I went to counseling, took anxiolytic medications, talked things over with my family and friends but nothing, I felt, would completely relieve my anxiety aside from finding a new career plan. After months of struggling, I finally discovered the Physician Assistant profession and developed a new dream... with this new plan in place, my anxieties and panic attacks finally resolved.
A second and last example (I promise I'll get to my point soon) took place a few years later. I was now a junior in college and preparing to apply to PA schools. It was thrilling for me! I had worked hard the past 3 years and was excited to move on to the next step of my plan. Back when I had decided to become a Physician Assistant, it had not been enough for me to just know what I wanted to do, I needed to have a plan for where I would go to school to do it. And my answer was Duke. Duke was the first school to have a Physician Assistant program and was ranked #1 by US News and World Report. I just had to go there (or so I thought). I made plans to travel to Duke for a PA program open house where I thought I would explore the school and suck up to the PA faculty in attempt to better my chances of getting accepted. Little did I know, the realizations I would have over those few days at Duke would completely and utterly change the coarse of my life. In a nutshell, I hated it. This is no offense to Duke or the city of Durham, but it was just not for me and I knew it almost immediately. But now what?? Duke had been my dream for the last 3 years... if it wasn't right for me, what school was? Once again, anxiety started to overtake me. The next few months of searching eventually led me to sitting in the George Washington University Hospital cafeteria calling my mom to tell her that I had found the school I wanted to go to. I was so excited to have a new plan and was prepared to do whatever I could to make it happen!
Military life is not great for planners. I have no idea where we'll be living 9 months from now, where I'll be working, if Chris will be home with me or deployed, or who my friends will be (will I even have friends??). The thought of this is both exhilarating and terrifying to me. I like the idea of the adventure it will be, but fear the unknowns. And I used to think, "how crazy are we to put the course of our lives into the hands of the military??"
One of my favorite songs has always been "Walk by Faith" by Jeremy Camp. Over the past few weeks as I've been thinking more and more about the changes, challenges and unknowns to come in the next few years, this song has continued to resinate in my head and my heart. Then it hit me. We don't know what the next few years are going to bring for us. The Navy doesn't know what the next few years are going to bring for us. At this point, they along with us don't know where we'll be 9 months from now. There's only One who does. And He is calling me to "walk by faith." "Even when I cannot see" what the future is going to bring and feel that I have no plan in action, He does.
I'm excited to see what the Lords plan brings. One of my favorite lines in the song is "Because this broken road, Prepares Your will for me." Boy is this true. All those years that I was struggling with developing and fulfilling my own plan for myself and feeling at times like I was walking a broken road, He was preparing me for His will. It's so easy to look back and see that now. If I had become a Physical Therapist or gone to Duke (following the plans I had originally created for myself) I would never have come to DC for PA school. If I hadn't come to DC for PA school, I wouldn't have met my wonderful husband. If I hadn't met my wonderful husband, I wouldn't have become a Navy wife. And someday... I know I will add on to the list "if I hadn't become a Navy wife, I wouldn't ___________________." I'll let God fill in the blank.
I will forever be a planner. It's in my nature. But now my plan for my life is simple: Walk by Faith.
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