"I got in"

"I got in."  I was standing in the gym (having just gotten off the treadmill at the urging of Chris) when I heard these words.  A rush of excitement and anticipation came over me...  my husband was going to be a Naval Officer.  Over the next few hours, I began to think about how we had gotten to this place where I never would have imagined myself being.

When I first met Chris he had no intention of going into the military.  At one point about a year after we started dating, he brought it up as a career possibility and thus became a witness to my immediate response of essentially "over my dead body!"  After that day, we never really talked about it until we were married.  From there, it all started with people telling Chris things like "you seem like the kind of person who would be perfect for Officer Candidate School!" (To which I kept thinking, what are these people trying to do to me???)  The fear of military life started to build in me and often consumed my mind.

One day, my worst fear came true and Chris told me he wanted to apply to Navy OCS.  I cried and begged him not to do it, but he was convinced it was the right path for him.  Over the next nine months of the application process we talked about it very little.  Many people kept telling me things like "Don't worry, OCS is very competitive, he probably won't even get in!" or "Don't worry, he has screws in his knee, that will disqualify him!"  I convinced myself that these people must be right and that if Chris wanted to "waste his time" with the application process, so be it! (Yeah, I was such I wonderful supportive wife, huh? Yikes...)

As things progressed with Chris' application I began to wonder what if he just maybe, just maybe, got in?  I would push the thought out of my mind as I would be overcome with anxiety.  The idea of him going away for training scared me.  The idea of frequent moves scared me.  The idea of deployments scared me.  The idea of not knowing if he would be safe REALLY scared me.  And the idea of taking care of our future children while he could be away for extended periods of time scared me. (Just to name a few).

But my fears didn't seem to stop things from moving forward.  In fact, everything with his application was going great!  My last hope really seemed to be the screws in his knee that he had from an injury while in High School.  And then he got a waver.  Chris was as shocked as I was, praising the Lord for what he said could only be a miracle.  Again, I was filled with fear, and for the first time I was convinced my worst fears might be becoming a reality.  That night as I laid in bed, I prayed that God would change my heart.  I told Him that if this was His calling for Chris, I needed Him to take away my fears and anxieties and replace them with not only acceptance but excitement and purpose.

Over the next few weeks the Lord took a hold of my life and my heart in a inexplicable way.  I had developed bitterness and resentment toward Chris for leading me down this path, but that was washed away and replaced with joy and pride in what he had accomplished.  My anxieties were replaced with excitement.  And my fears were stomped out by feelings of purpose for not only Chris but myself and our marriage.  I was filled with a "peace that transcends all understanding." (Philippeans 4:7)

Over those weeks of transformation, I couldn't help but think back to my fears and anxieties and contemplate why I had them.  Something that kept crossing my mind was how my heart has always broken for military families, even when I had no real connection to them.  In many other areas of life, I have an innate ability to step back from situations and remove myself emotionally.  I could look at something and think how sad it was, but stop myself from taking on that sadness.  In some ways I think that sounds horrible, but this trate is something that has enabled me to help people in my career in critical care while not being completely burnt out emotionally. However, one thing that I have never been able to emotionally disconnect myself from is the pain that families of military members must feel while their loved ones are away fighting for our country... or giving their lives for our country.

My whole life I have heard and believed that the Lord calls us to the things that break our hearts.  Perhaps the Lord had created in me this great sympathy for the struggles of those in the military community for a specific purpose.  As my husband completed the OCS application process, got accepted, and prepared for his departure, I was filled with excitement as I thought about building community with and helping support other military families.

So here I am.  Only one week into life as a military wife.  At this point I still have so much to learn about supporting my husband, living life as a "MilSpouse", and becoming part of the military community.  I questioned whether or not I should start this blog now or later... but I felt an urging to start it now and came to the conclusion that by beginning at the very start and documenting my experiences and learnings along the way, the Lord may be able to use my experiences to encourage and support others in similar situations.

I hope and pray that this blog can be a place that you can find encouragement, hope, and support no matter what your situation.  If you are a fellow MilSpouse, I hope we can build community and learn together about this adventure that we are on.  I greatly appreciate your comments as I don't view this as a place for me to just pour out my thoughts, but somewhere we can have dialogue, friendships and support each other.

God Bless!